Tag: parenting

The Sky is Falling…into our Bedroom

In 2010, my wife and I built our home on a great lot in Bridgeland.  We sit on a hill with a view of the Calgary skyline and can walk to downtown within 15 minutes.  We love our community and home, but this year we were hit with a homeowner’s nightmare (a major roof leak).

When I say leak, I mean the whole roofing system was compromised (it is a complex roof with peaks and flat patio spaces) and unfortunately for us, our lovely home was under siege from a sudden attack of water.

The entire upper level of our home had to be ripped out and the roof completely rebuilt, as our family of 4, along with 175 lbs of Labrador Retriever retreated to our new living quarters (the basement) for 4 months.  Going upstairs was entering a world of poly covering everything…like a scene from Dexter.

The home no longer has new home warranty, our builder is long gone and insurance is working with us, but the shock of the sudden disaster and the financial implications to Mike Holmes it and “Make it Right” are big (think six figures big).   However, I’m a bright side of things kind-of-guy and I always look for lessons-so here they are:

You need liquid savings and ideally more than a couple months of living expenses.  If you have good equity in your home, you need to have access to it.  Adult problems may be a new furnace in -30 degree January, or a whole new roof and upstairs! For anyone that has put a lot of equity into their home, a secured line of credit is a tool they should have.  I cannot imagine how much more stressful it would be if we couldn’t write a cheque to fix it. Good luck going to get a mortgage with half your house ripped apart-and I deal in mortgages every day.

Families can bond in tough places and small spaces.  We had the girls on mattresses in the TV room.  We had the spare bedroom.  The dogs hung out between the two.  You make it work.  As long as you are healthy-it just doesn’t matter.  We felt like we lived in a small apartment and that was cool.  Space is great, but so is closeness.  It turns out, we all really like each other-for reals!

You can’t sell it and you can’t live with it, so fix it.  This is true in a lot of situations.  You have a tough hand, so play the game and get it done.

Plans change, or at least get put on hold.  We had plans to go to Scotland in 2018.  Now we don’t.  The reason might be the best lesson of all.

We sat down with our girls and explained we cannot get on a plane and stay in castles and learn about another culture by diving into it, for one simple reason-we have limited resources.  Fixing the house is going to cost a lot of money and we have to fix it.  Why is this so important?   Because it it about teaching our children the real value of a dollar.  When my youngest said she wanted to go back to Disneyland and then quickly followed that up with “never mind, we don’t have money, because of the roof” I think the message is getting through.

This roofing adventure is almost over and in the end we may have less cash, but are a little richer nevertheless.

Slaying the Tickle Monster

I no longer attack my daughter with tickles.

She doesn’t like it because she says it makes her feel like she is going to pee. Sneaking up on her and attacking her with the “tickle monster” while she was frantically telling me to stop, seemed to me to all be in jest. That is until I realized that I was giving her voice no power. She was saying “NO, STOP, I DON’T LIKE IT, OR WANT THIS.”

By continuing to tickle her, I was saying with no words at all, I can overpower you, I can do what I want to your body and person and I don’t need your consent. How awful is that?

In social development a clear understanding of consent must be learned at a very young age and it is important that as parents, and responsible citizens, we teach it. I think we ought to be even more cognisant of how young boys deal with consent. A boy being tickled, or wrestled with more often than not, has his voice ignored. Just a little rough housing has no harm, unless said boy doesn’t want it. A boy, just like a girl, needs to know if he says no, it means no. If he hears no, it means no. If we as adults, reject his voice, how can we expect him as a grown man to respect the voice of someone else?

This past school year a group of boys tried to kiss girls in my daughter’s class. Why the boys wanted to do this is irrelevant-what mattered is many of the girls didn’t want to be kissed. The boys would chase, girls would scream. What might seem to be 5 year olds being silly kids is a root to a much deeper problem. The understanding of control of your body, respect of another’s and fully understanding any advancement towards another person is not acceptable without their consent, is fundamental in social upbringing. Why is this such an important lesson that must be instilled consistently, and from the start?

Rape. Just writing it makes me cringe. Having two young daughters I am more aware of rape culture than I ever used to be. The fact that rape culture is even a description of an epidemic sweeping our society is an awful reality, but is a reality that cannot be ignored.

Unwanted sexual advancements and assaults, especially in schools (places that should be held in the highest regard in society), are occurring at staggering levels-with many cases never being reported at all. We cannot be silent about it. When you have college campuses draped with banners proudly boasting appalling messages of RAPE, you’ve got a major problem on your hands.

It is not all in good fun to flaunt “thank you fathers for freshmen daughters” or “fresh meat” or “you’ve been her daddy for 18 years, we’ll take it from here” or the worst of the bunch, “NO MEANS YES”.

No should be the most powerful word anyone can say to another person. NO doesn’t just mean NO, it means STOP. The problem is somehow, especially with a mob mentality, consent is seen as an ambiguous concept that is up for interpretation. When in fact, consent should be and is the clearest damn thing that exists. If a person doesn’t say yes, then they have said no.

Let’s make sure our little boys and little girls know this while learning their ABC’s and 123’s and if you have to slay the “tickle monster” to help teach this lesson, bring out the sword.

Man, Step Your Game Up!

Men, we need a pep talk. Fatherhood is not a job-it is a choice. You chose it-whether you were ready to or not. As such, be a dad. It is easy to be a father on a birth certificate, but to be a dad- now that is manhood. What do I mean by be a dad? I mean, be present, not just be there. Present means listen to your kids, relish in their dreams and goals, encourage them, guide them-BE WITH THEM (and please put down the smartphone!) Love their mom. She is their source of breath. They will learn love from how you love. Even if you have a failed relationship-show love. Remember half of your child is your partner or ex-partner . Do not keep score with your spouse. Kids are not a weekly chore list. No dad deserves a medal for giving mom a break. THEY ARE YOUR KIDS! That said, give mom a break. Motherhood just might be the toughest thing to do in this world-because for a child, mom is the world. I get you work and are tired, but weekends are not just for you. I can’t believe how many dads I know that go out drinking on a Friday and leave it all on mom. Go ahead and have a few pops with the boys, but you better get up first thing in the morning and experience the hangover with a toddler jumping on you (because there is nothing like it!)

Okay Dads, that is enough of a rant-but do yourself a favour and be a MAN.